15 Parenting Rules That Made Motherhood Easier in Our Home

I’m sharing some of my more unpopular parenting rules that we’ve implemented, and I’m not even sorry. Because I believe it is quite literally my duty to raise pleasant people, and while this is their childhood, it’s also my motherhood, and these rules have made motherhood considerably easier. Here’s the thing. I like the children they’re becoming, but that didn’t happen because I got lucky. It happened because I implement certain rules many parents disagree with.

I wake sleeping babies. I make my children apologize even when the apology does not arise spontaneously from the pure and tender depths of their hearts. I’m not a short order cook, and occasionally my husband and I tell them that they are not allowed to talk during dinner because we would like to visit with each other without interruption.

Now, I’m about to give you a list. Lists, I’ve found, have this unfortunate tendency to make us feel either wildly inspired or quite inadequate. Sometimes both at once. Before I say what follows, let me say this: I’m not suggesting you implement all of these rules, or even most of them. I’m simply showing you what works for me in this particular season, with these particular children, in this particular home of ours. Your rules will look different. They should look different. The goal isn’t to copy my parenting; it’s to understand the principles behind it so you can build something that actually serves your family, not someone else’s.

Some of these rules come from biblical principles, some are practical household systems, and some are simply decisions we made after realizing that the alternative was making me a miserable mother.

Rule One: I Do Not Praise My Children for Every Ordinary Thing They Do

I am naturally a praising mother. I love delighting in my children, cheering for them and making them feel proud. I can turn putting on one shoe into an awards ceremony if I’m not careful. But I’ve learned that praise has a place, and it should tell the truth and be in response to something truly praise-worthy, otherwise it loses its luster.

When every ordinary action receives a celebration, praise eventually becomes meaningless. More importantly, the child can begin doing the work for the reaction rather than for the satisfaction of learning, contributing or doing the job well.

Colossians 3:23 gives us a much better aim to teach our children: “Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men.”

We want to train our children to find satisfaction in doing good work before the Lord. They should not need a steady stream of human approval in order to continue, even from the mother.

When a child becomes accustomed to constant praise, he may stop asking himself, “Did I work hard? Did I improve? Am I proud of what I made?” He starts looking at your face and wondering, “Did Mom like it?” Now his motivation lives outside of him.

This also gets messy between siblings because children are always noticing who receives praise and who does not. One child gets praised for something the other child does every day without recognition, and thus begins the sibling rivalry. I see this in my own house all the time because, again, I am that mother. I will compliment one child, and immediately another one says, “What about me, Mama?” Even my two-year-old chimes in with, “Me toooo?”

Instead, I try to say things like:

“Tell me about what you made.”

“How did you think to do that?”

“How does it feel now that you finished?”

Rule Two: I Do Not Entertain My Children All Day

I enjoy playing with my children. I read to them, take them outside, involve them in projects and plan lovely things for our family. I want them to have a rich childhood, and I want to be present for it.

I just don’t accept responsibility for making sure they never experience boredom. Most of my children already know their options by now, and if none of those sound appealing, I always invite them to join me in what I’m doing or give them a job of their own, not in a punitive “if you don’t have something to do I’ll give you one” type of way, because actually my children still think chores are fun and honestly I hope nobody ever tells them that chores are something most people dread.

Rule Three: My Children Do Not Have Personal Devices

Our children do not have iPads, phones or handheld devices. We have one television, and it lives in the basement. We generally use it for family movie nights every couple of weeks, especially during the winter. Best decision ever.

I know technology will become more complicated as they grow and we will continually have to make thoughtful decisions about technology’s influence in their lives, but for the foreseeable future, we don’t do devices.

Our children play outside. They build things. They look at books. They follow us around and participate in ordinary life.

This one rule has avoided so much conflict in our home. We don’t ever have to negotiate around devices, and our children have wonderful imaginations because they’re required to use them instead of being entertained by a screen. We’ve never done the whole go to a restaurant and give the child an iPad thing. When we go to restaurants it’s definitely more difficult for us to manage the children, but also we tend to go to less restaurants, have more meals at home, and save a bunch of money because of it!

Devices are designed to hold attention far more effectively than chores, conversation and ordinary play. I would rather delay that competition while my children are still learning how to enjoy real life.

Yes, it’s less convenient in the short term, but pays dividends later!

Over the course of an ordinary week, our home is easier because the children are not constantly anticipating their next screen. They are also much more practiced at waiting, which is convenient because another unpopular rule in our home is that I do not respond to every request the second it is made.

Rule Four: I Do Not Practice On-Demand Parenting

Children have a way of making nearly every request sound urgent, and for a mother this can create so much undue anxiety and stress to feel this constant sense of urgency, even if in our rational minds we know that they surely do not need that cup they wanted this instant, or for me to watch their cool moves while I’m holding a hot pan, or tell me about one particularly interesting worm they saw while I’m trying to have a conversation.

Some needs deserve an immediate response, of course, but most can wait a couple minutes.

I regularly say:

“I will help you when I finish this.”

“You may wait until Daddy and I are done talking.”

“You know how to do that. Try it first.”

“I heard you the first time, I’ll respond after I finish this.”

Waiting is a skill. I think that by making my children practice the skill of waiting, they also learn a couple other important concepts.

1. Not everything is an emergency (only something I’m just realizing well into adulthood).
2. Recognizing that other people have things they are working on and are not at their every beck and call.

This becomes especially important in marriage, because the next rule is one many families say they believe while arranging their entire lives in a way that communicates the opposite.

The Gap I Help Mothers Bridge

But first, before I get into what is probably the most controversial parenting rule, I just have to say, I know some of this can sound really simple when we’re talking about it.

But then real life happens. The children are interrupting, someone is whining, the house is loud, dinner needs to be made, the baby is crying, and suddenly the issue is not that you don’t know what kind of mother you want to be. The issue is that your body feels like it cannot get there in the moment.

This is where I feel like so much content for mothers has really good advice. It tells them how to respond. How to train their children. How to glorify the Lord in their mothering.

But so little of it actually supports them in getting to a place where they’re able to live that out. Because when your nervous system is in chronic stress and your body feels constantly overstimulated, you can know the right thing to do and still feel like you cannot access it in the moment.

That is the gap I help mothers bridge. I have a very specific way of helping moms escape chronic stress and fight-or-flight, retrain their brains and their responses, and actually show up as the peaceful, present, self-controlled mother they want to be.

My free workshop walks you through the exact process I teach. The link is below.

Rule Five: My Husband and I Prioritize Our Marriage

Our children’s needs matter. Our relationship with them matters. We have three small children, so a large portion of our lives is devoted to caring for them. But in order for us to parent well, we need to give them the best advantage possible and that is two parents who are madly in love with each other and have a strong marriage. It’s the foundation in which our family is built. Well, I guess the foundation would be our commitment and love for Christ, and a close second is our marriage.

One practical way this shows up is that our children are not allowed to continually interrupt us while we are talking.

We also take long date days once a month. I love going to dinner, but I do not always want our only date to be two hours spent discussing the children in a slightly more expensive location than our home. We want enough time to go do something fun together. We will take 6-8 hours once a month and go shooting, mountain biking, jet skiing and just play together.

Sometimes this rule also appears in the form of what we call a silent dinner. These dinners ebb and flow, but it’s usually implemented when meals have become three children delivering simultaneous monologues while my husband and I communicate in the very tight margins. During a silent dinner, the children eat and listen while my husband and I talk and it’s glorious and also wonderful for the ol’ nervous system.

By the way, the children benefit from hearing adults have a conversation. They observe how we ask questions, tell stories, listen and enjoy one another and feel safe and secure that mommy and daddy enjoy each other’s company.

Rule Six: We Do Not Pay Allowances for Ordinary Chores

Our children do not receive money for normal household chores. They live here. They contribute to the mess. Helping care for it is part of belonging to the family.

I want my children to understand that some work is done because we love and serve the people around us.

Children also need to feel useful. A child who contributes begins to see that the family is better because he participated. He gains competence through real responsibility.

I do like the idea of teaching them the value of a dollar and how we should steward the blessing of money, so eventually we will probably pay them for larger jobs that go beyond their ordinary responsibilities, but I don’t want every act of service tied to monetary benefit.

Rule Seven: I Wake Sleeping Babies

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer in sleep begets sleep, but only within reason and you have to learn your baby. If sleeping past 9am trashes the afternoon nap when the other children are having quiet time, I’m waking that baby earlier.

If a car nap can ruin the long afternoon nap that allows me to relax, or work, you better believe I’m doing the whole song and dance in the car to keep that child awake.

Yes, sometimes I wake the baby.

Rule Eight: We Require Our Children to Say “I’m Sorry” Even If They Don’t Mean It

We do make our children apologize regardless of whether they feel like it.

I saw something a while back talking about how they don’t require their children to say sorry if they don’t mean it, and I understand the heart behind that, but at the same time I do think repentance is a skill that needs to be practiced and learned over time. I teach my children to work the muscle of repentance even if it just means going through the motions when they’re young.

As they get older I understand the concern that a forced apology can become empty words without an actual heart change, so as they get older I use age appropriate methods to get to the heart behind the matter. But I also don’t believe every right action has to wait until a child feels perfectly sincere. Just like if I speak disrespectfully to my husband while still feeling like it was warranted, I’m still called to repent for my own behavior.

Repentance is a muscle. Children become more comfortable taking responsibility for their actions when they practice it early.

Rule Nine: I Am Not the Referee for Every Sibling Conflict

My children are not permitted to run to me after every offense and file a complaint against their sibling. As they become capable of doing this, I require them to speak directly to the other child first.

If a child comes to me and says, “He took my toy,” I usually ask, “Did you talk to him?” If he has not, I send him back. He can say: “I was playing with that. Please give it back.”

If the other child listens and makes it right, the problem is over. If the offender refuses, continues the behavior or will not repair the damage, then the child can come to me for help.

I also correct a child who repeatedly skips the direct conversation because he wants to get the other child punished.

Rule Ten: I’m Not a Short Order Cook

I cook one dinner for the family. I serve each child a smaller initial portion. Then they can decide what to eat from what has been served. If they want more of their favorite part of the meal, they need to finish the reasonable portion already on their plate. Then they can have more of whatever they want.

I try to be considerate when planning meals and I’ll usually include at least one thing I know they love. But it’s my job to help shape their appetite, and part of that comes from frequent exposure to a wide array of flavors.

Also, learning to graciously eat something that is not your favorite is important, so even if my children don’t like something they need to be considerate and grateful for the food they’ve been given. This trains them to be pleasant guests when we are being hosted.

The next rule is part of how I have helped them become genuinely good eaters.

Rule Eleven: I Use “First This, Then That” With Food

Ok, this one is totally frowned upon, I’ve realized, but it’s my only trick to getting my children to eat good, nourishing food.

Here’s how I do it. Oh and btw, I’ve been told by many people that they’ve never seen children eat as good as mine do and I’m 3 for 3 for good eaters, so take that as you will, but here it goes.

My approach changes depending on age.

Before one, my main goal is to introduce a wide range of tastes and textures. Milk is still providing most of their fuel, so food can be explored without me really caring about if they eat the really nourishing stuff.

After one year old, I allow them more freedom to pick and choose from what has been served.

Then, usually around eighteen months when they can understand this concept, I start giving clearer instructions.

“You may have more fruit after you eat the chicken.”

“You may have the bread after you try the vegetables.”

I communicate the expectation and allow the child to decide whether he is willing to do it. If not, there is usually a bit of a battle for a while, but they end up coming around sooner or later. This approach has worked extremely well for our family, and my children are wonderful eaters.

In fact there was one morning where my son didn’t want to eat his sausage at breakfast and we were going to my daughter’s dance class where he usually gets a snack while we wait for her class to get out. I just wrapped up the sausage and brought it with us.

Then, when we were there he was expecting the snack and instead I just pulled out the sausage every time he asked for a snack. He denied the sausage every time. We did that whole ring around the rosy the whole 45 minutes. He was fussy and upset and being pretty difficult, and meanwhile I was having a conversation with the other moms about food and dinners we like to cook, and she kept saying, “Ugh, I wish my kids were good eaters. I have 5 children and none of them eat anything other than chicken nuggets.” I was like, “Oh my word, that sounds horrible, I’m so sorry. I think I just lucked out on the food front with my kids.”

Then finally, as the dance class was ending, my son took the sausage and started eating. She said, “Well, I can see why your children are good eaters. I just watched you struggle through this whole class and you had the patience enough to wait until he would eat the sausage.”

Anyway, that’s my strategy around food. But there’s another key to this and it’s that it becomes much easier when children arrive at the table hungry, which is why I avoid snacks unless we are out and about.

Rule Twelve: We Do Not Constantly Snack at Home

When we are at home, we generally just eat meals. Fruit and vegetables are available between meals, but that’s about it.

We’ve gone back and forth with this, and I’ve learned that there’s a direct correlation with how much my children snack and how much real food they eat. They eat better meals because they are hungry enough to enjoy them.

And speaking of eating…

Rule Thirteen: We Eat at the Table or Outside

We do not walk around the house with food. This saves me from finding crushed crackers in the couch, yogurt fingerprints on the wall and half an apple aging behind a curtain.

It also gives eating a clear beginning and end. They sit down, eat, finish and return to playing.

Rule Fourteen: We Practice at Home How We Expect Them to Behave Elsewhere

We do not allow the children to jump on the furniture. I actually used to be more relaxed about this because I wanted my kids to feel free to run and play and get their wiggles out. Then I realized young children do not automatically understand the difference between the couch Mom lets them launch themselves from and the couch in someone else’s house.

We practice at home how we want them to behave elsewhere.

With one exception. Our basement is essentially a massive indoor jungle gym. We have two of those Nugget cushion things, a giant beanbag and plenty of things designed for climbing and jumping off of.

But all of these expectations lose credibility if my husband and I are unwilling to live by the same principles. So…

Rule Fifteen: We Model What We Expect From Our Children

We want our children to read, so they often see us reading. We want them to wear helmets, so we wear helmets. We expect them to apologize, so we apologize.

The culture of a family is formed from the top down, so we need to model the behavior we expect from our children.

Raising People Who Will Become Adults

My children are still children. They are loud, impulsive and fully capable of asking me the same question eleven times while I am actively answering it.

The difference is that our family has a direction. I am raising people who will eventually become adults and live in a world that does not revolve around them. I want them to be capable, considerate and enjoyable to be around. I also want to enjoy motherhood while I am raising them. Clear expectations have helped me do that.

Of course much of that is their God-given personality and the grace of God at work in our family. It is also shaped through thousands of ordinary moments in which we teach them what love, responsibility, repentance, patience and service look like. That work is sometimes inconvenient now, but I believe it will produce pleasant people later.

If You Can Barely Make It Through the Day

If you are reading this thinking, “I want to raise capable, pleasant children, but right now I can barely make it through the day without feeling overwhelmed,” that is exactly the gap I help mothers bridge in my free workshop.

I walk you through the biblical brain-rewiring process I used to calm chronic fight-or-flight, renew my mind, and begin responding like the peaceful, present, self-controlled mother I wanted to be.

That workshop is completely free, and the link is below.