I found this note that I wrote in my journal several years ago from when I started my own transformation and when I started really seeing fruit in my marriage as a result. I wanted to be vulnerable and share it with you. Listen, this shouldn’t be controversial but I know it may trigger many of you. Please do me a favor and read through the whole post. Because, if you’re struggling, trust me, I’ve been there.

I’m going to share my journal entry and then I’ll share the 10 very specific things I started doing that changed our marriage.

This weekend my husband CHOSE to spend every moment of free time with me and the kids. He chose all the activities we did for the weekend and sacrificed house projects he’s been wanting to get done to spend time with us. Contrast this to last winter when he didn’t even want to look at me, let alone spend his free time with me.

He bought me an espresso machine that I’ve wanted for 3 years and told me to go shopping for new clothes (I asked what my budget was and he said “get whatever you want”). Contrast this to last winter when any frivolous spending was seen as a waste of money.

As I was nursing my daughter upstairs, I heard my husband and son downstairs saying “no I love mama… no I love mama” back and forth. Contrast this to last winter when I asked if he even loved me anymore and he said “honestly, idk.”

Our marriage is still far from perfect, but we have come SO far from where we were.

I asked my husband what he thinks the biggest changes from me have been that have improved our marriage and this is what he said:

“Well, you’re nicer to be around” – he said he dreaded coming home because he would have a good day or have some wins at works that he wanted to tell me about and I was usually just in a bad mood and I’d bring him down and he didn’t even want to be with me. (So harsh, but he’s right).

“You recover more quickly after we get into an argument whereas before it would ruin an entire weekend, now it’s like 5 minutes then it’s over.”

Facing the Truth

I think that is what so many women do not want to face, because it is painful to face the truth. We want to believe the atmosphere in our home is being created around us. We want to believe our marriage problem is mostly him or our poor circumstances. We want to believe distance just happened or that we just happened to grow apart.

But sometimes the most humbling truth is that the woman of the home really is setting the tone more than she realizes. Yes, the man of the house has a very important leadership role and there are some really crummy husbands out there. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s to just keep my side of the street clean.

I used to be quick-tempered. If something irritated me, I let it be known. I was impatient with my family. I was constantly overwhelmed, constantly in a rush, constantly feeling like I was drowning in my own life. And worst of all? I justified it. I thought, this isn’t my fault.

I didn’t even realize how much my nervous system was dysregulated though which was causing me to feel and behave like this. How much I lived in a constant state of stress and reactivity and I didn’t realize that I didn’t have to be like that and I didn’t have to feel like that either.

I never felt confident in myself, never felt truly put together. I was truly in survival mode. Here’s the truth. God didn’t call me to live like that. He didn’t call you to live like that either.

The Decision to Change

When I finally decided that I didn’t want to just wish for change but actually become a different person, I started taking action. I remember the day I decided I wanted to make this change. I was in the shower having one of those really in depth reflections on myself and my life, and I had this burning desire to be someone that is more glorifying to God. To really exemplify the proverbs 31 woman.

But there was a problem. I didn’t know how to change and I had this thought in the back of my mind saying that I could never change and even if I did just start acting like someone else, my family would think I was being disingenuous. It seemed too daunting to me to even try, like it would just take way too long and be too long of a process.

Here’s the truth. Yes, sanctification is a lifelong process, but God is not limited by time. He can transform a heart in an instant. He can radically change someone in a very short period if they are willing. Ezekiel 36:26 says, “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” When we surrender to Him, true transformation happens faster than we expect.

I know some women reading this are thinking, “You don’t understand how long I’ve been like this. Or how bad I have it” But I do understand. It is the lie that’s keeping you stuck. It tells you that because this has been your pattern for years, it must now be your personality. But a pattern is not a personality. A stress response is not your identity.

Nervous System Dysfunction and Survival Mode

Now, I want to say something really important here. If I stopped right there, some women would leave feeling crushed. If your body is living in chronic stress, you will hear all of that as pressure.

I give myself grace for this season of my life, for how I had been tearing my home down with my own hands as it says in proverbs. I was living with something called nervous system dysfunction, and I have a theory that so many mothers and wives are struggling with this.

Basically it’s living in a chronic state of stress which puts your body in fight or flight mode every second of the day. If you’re struggling with this, you know exactly what I mean. I’m about to tell you the 10 things I changed in my marriage that totally transformed it.. but none of it would have been possible when I was living in chronic stress. I was fighting an uphill battle when my body was living in fight or flight.

Until I addressed the root, I was trying to produce the fruit of peace from a body that was stuck in panic. So I knew I needed healing. But I didn’t know what that looked like, but the Lord graciously led me to Christian brain rewiring.

This is exactly what I teach inside my Transformed Homemakers Society course. If you’re struggling with stress, overstimulation, or constantly feeling on edge, I highly recommend checking out my free workshop where I go more in-depth on how I overcame this.This process didn’t just work for me and my home either, here are some things my students have said:

One woman said: “My marriage became something both my husband and I dreamed of since the day we were married.” “Her husband actually told her… ‘This changed our marriage and you.’”

Another woman said: Tonight my husband and I were laughing and being playful and our oldest son asked, “daddy, why are you laughing at mom?” Hubby replied, “because your mom makes me happy, and we laugh when we’re happy!” He has been pouring out compliments to me and it melts my heart! it’s just something that didn’t happen before, and now this is a daily thing. I can’t thank you enough Kyrie!!

10 Things That Changed My Marriage

I know some of these will be triggering, but please hear my heart behind these and understand that these came from a place of being healed first, which is the most important part.

1. Holding My Tongue When I Am RIGHT

The hardest thing for me to learn has been when to hold my tongue even though I am without a shadow of a doubt in the right.

When I show my husband grace and let go of the false idea that “I have to show him he’s in the wrong or the behavior will keep happening.” I’ve learned that that is a trick from Satan and, actually, if I hold my tongue, the behavior usually stops (and if it doesn’t, God changes my heart around the behavior and it’s no longer an issue). This one alone can change the whole atmosphere of a marriage, because so many arguments are not actually about the issue itself. They are about the need to prove, expose, press, correct, win, make sure the other person feels how wrong they were. And that spirit does not make a home feel safe and it doesn’t make you his soft landing.

2. Never Criticizing His Choices

This is self explanatory.

3. Not Declining Him When He Wants to Do Something Nice for Me

I remember being at a store and there was this vase that was so ugly and I didn’t want it at all, but he said, “hey, should we get this for you?” Out of nowhere he just wanted to bless me with something! I didn’t want to shut him down or squash that, so of course I said yes!

4. Stopping the Constant Correcting

This looked like Correcting him, or trying to be “helpful” by telling him the “right” way to do something. This was so hard for me, but I realized that by doing this, even though I was just trying to be helpful, he was reading it as disrespect.

I stopped, and at first it was hard, but eventually it got easy.

Don’t misunderstand that this means you can never give input to your husband if he asks. I’m not saying that at all. Actually, I’m not saying you have to do any of this. I’m just sharing my story. If this is confusing to you, I’d pray and ask the Lord to show you what your husband is taking as disrespect that you didn’t realize. You can start by asking your husband point blank, “Is there anything I’m doing that feels disrespectful?”

5. Changing My Demeanor

I’ve changed my demeanor to go from frazzled and stressed (even if it’s been a crazy day) to be joyful and gentle. I used to feel like I needed him to know how crazy my day was so he understood what I had to deal with. I would look and act disheveled, not a pleasant sight for him to come home to.

Now, I try to look put together and I smile and ask him how his day was before telling him anything about mine. And even if it was a crazy day and he asks how it was I try to say something like “Oh it was a little crazy, but better now that you’re home!” The Lord sees what I go through in a day, I don’t need to put that on my husband. He has his own struggles.

I know that will bother some people. There is so much power in deciding that your husband does not need to walk in the door and immediately be hit with the full emotional weather report of your entire day. There is wisdom in restraint. Just look at Queen Esther. There is something deeply feminine and life-giving about a woman who can make her home feel like relief even if she’s been through the ringer.

6. Asking for His Opinion

I ask for his opinion and I actually take his advice (then I let him know it). This has shown reverence to him and shows I respect his opinion. I’ll say things like “Hey, can I pick your brain about something I’m struggling with?” It’s so cute to see how he puffs up! He usually says something like this “Ok, here’s what you’re going to do…” After I follow his advice, I’ll come back and say, “So, I took your advice and it worked great!”

Men rise in places where they feel respected and where they feel like they can lead. They just do. Many husbands are starving for admiration and do not even know how to say it.

7. I Stopped Taking the Bait for a Fight

If he brings up the past, throws a dig, says something hurtful, I’ll pray instead of retorting back. I still slip up on this quite a bit, but even the small percentage of time that I have has bore fruit in my marriage!

8. Joining Him in His Hobbies and Tasks

I join him in his tasks/hobbies. If he’s outside working in the yard, I’ll go out there and help him (not every time, maybe not even half the time, but just sometimes). I’ll suggest doing his favorite leisure activities together like making a bonfire, gardening, going in the hot tub, etc.

This feels so hard for me because it cuts into my own “free time.” And honestly, I AM more tired and DO feel like I have less to give, but I’ve just determined that if I’m going to die from exhaustion of serving my family, then at least I died doing the Lord’s will for my life.

I know that sounds super dramatic, but sometimes it feels like that. We are so trained to guard our own comfort, our own time, our own little escapes, but love often looks like cheerful inconvenience.

The good news is the Lord always provides rest. Sometimes the activity I’m doing with my husband is the thing that is surprisingly restful, and sometimes I get rest when I didn’t even expect to. I’ve learned to trust that the Lord will always provide rest for me.

9. Writing Letters

Write letters to your husband. Write what you love about him, just gush.

There is something powerful about forcing your own eyes to look for what is lovely, honorable, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. My husband has saved all the really thoughtful letters I’ve written him.

10. Smile More

Smile more . This will tell your brain you’re safe and all is well. Plus, you look more attractive and it will help you connect more.

Now, does this mean the wife has to hold the entire burden of her marriage on her shoulders? No. However, the only person you can control in your marriage is yourself, and when I healed myself and started making better choices, my marriage healed too. And, the things my husband did that were hard on our marriage seemed to vanish too.