Hidden Habits Keeping You in Survival Mode (And the Tiny Changes That Set Me Free)

When I finally realized the habits keeping me in survival mode weren’t big sins or overtly bad habits but these tiny, almost invisible reflexes — everything started to change.

When I discovered that my nervous system — not my to-do list — was keeping me stuck in survival mode, everything changed.

And I want to show you the hidden habits keeping you trapped there… and the tiny changes that finally set me free.

This is the exact system that helped me stop decluttering my anxiety away and start cultivating a peace that actually lasts. The final habit might just make you a little mad at me, but if you stop saying it, it will totally change you because it exposes the root of why so many of us stay stuck in survival mode and I’d be willing to bet you say this phrase more often than you realize. It slips out casually, almost playfully, but underneath it carries poison that keeps you in survival mode.

8 Habits That are Keeping You Trapped in Survival Mode

1. Small Acts of Grumbling

The long sighs. The muttered complaints. The eye rolls.

They seem small- maybe even harmless because nobody sees them — but they are doing a lot of harm to your nervous system, because each eye roll and sigh tells your brain you’re in danger, or something isn’t right here.

Each micro-expression or tone of complaint signals the amygdala — the threat center of your brain — to stay alert. You might not even realize it, but grumbling keeps your body chemically in defense mode.

Every negative vocalization, even a quiet one, activates the vagus nerve — the main highway between your brain and body. The vagus nerve regulates your mood, heart rate, and gut health. When you speak in tones of frustration, you actually decrease vagal tone, which reduces your ability to calm down quickly.

Gratitude and worship do the opposite. They increase vagal tone, sending signals of safety and stability.

Philippians 2:14 says, “Do all things without grumbling or disputing.” Not because God wants to silence us, but because He knows grumbling rewires the mind for scarcity and stress.

Ephesians 4:29 reminds us that only words that “build up” are to leave our mouths — because they build us up too.

So maybe it’s your husband’s dish left in the sink overnight and you grumble and roll your eyes. Seriously? Doesn’t he see how hard I work every night to make sure I wake up to a clean kitchen? How disrespectful. This is oddly specific because it used to be a huge trigger for me.

But I once heard a woman say in moments like this, she would take the higher road, and say six words: “Dear Lord, this is for You.”

Every time she picked up socks, wiped the counter, or folded a shirt — she offered it up to the Lord.

Those words turned a moment of irritation into an act of worship. It wasn’t about ignoring her feelings or pretending it didn’t bother her. It was about choosing to offer that small act up to the Lord instead of using it to wound her husband. Every piece of laundry became a chance to lay down pride, and to crucify the flesh. This reprograms your brain to associate the task — and the irritation felt — with purpose and peace instead of resentment.

2. Acting Intense and Unplayful

Has life started feeling like just checklists, timelines, diaper changes, meal planning, and productivity? No laughter, no silliness, no childlike joy?

When your life becomes one long checklist, your body matches that pace.

Your shoulders lift, your tone sharpens, your breath shortens — all signals to the body that it must perform, not rest.

Biologically, this creates chronic sympathetic activation — low-grade fight or flight. It’s why so many mothers live in a state of hypervigilance, even when nothing is wrong.

When you intentionally laugh, play, or act silly, you activate the prefrontal cortex — the rational, relational part of your brain. This shuts down the overactive fear center and tells your body, “You can relax.”

I used to wear productivity like a badge of honor. My husband would frequently call me out for how serious I looked or how intense I’d be moving. He would make a joke out of it and it immediately would snap me out of the zone and I’d break character. I’d laugh. Then he’d say “oh no!” shes laughing! And it totally lightened up my mood.

Motherhood isn’t meant to be endured like a drill. It’s meant to be enjoyed.

One day I finally realized: The goal isn’t to stay clean. The goal is to get clean after getting dirty – but that would require actually allowing yourself to make messes first.

So go ahead — make a mess, belly laugh, bake cookies on a random Tuesday and get flour everywhere. I started doing something called a chaotic joy ritual – it’s intentionally creating joyful chaos by doing fun, spontaneous things like letting your children help cook dinner, even if it means flour on the counters, spills on the floor, and a sink full of dishes afterward. Or take a walk and let them splash in every puddle they find. These experiences are messy, unpredictable, and inconvenient—but these moments build laughter, connection, and joy in the ordinary.

This shift — replacing stress with peace, and control with joy — completely changed how my home felt.

3. RBF (Resting Brat Face)

A habit I am still working on is walking around with RBF – I call it resting brat face, but its more popularly known as something else, I’m sure you can figure that out.

Your face tells your brain what story to believe.

The muscles around your eyes and mouth are directly connected to your vagus nerve. When your brow is furrowed or your lips are pressed, your brain interprets that as a signal of threat.

Over time, that creates a feedback loop: you look tense → your brain believes danger is near → your body stays tense.

When you smile — intentionally softening your expression — you reverse that loop. You send your brain a cue of safety.

This releases serotonin and dopamine, the “peace and reward” chemicals your body craves when anxious. It’s called facial feedback theory, and it’s proven: your expression can literally change your mood.

So now, when I catch my reflection, I intentionally smile and soften my face – not because everything is perfect, but because I need to remind myself: God is good. I’m safe. I can be joyful despite my circumstances.

Biblically, this is exemplifying contentment in all circumstances. Philippians 4:13 says “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” — this verse actually isn’t about superhuman performance. It’s about inner strength regardless of circumstances. Paul says just before that, “I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.”

So when you smile amidst chaos, you’re not pretending life’s easy. You’re practicing godly contentment — this signals to your nervous system: I trust the One who strengthens me – and all is well.

4. Decluttering Your Overwhelm Away

So often people turn to decluttering their overwhelm away. I see this all the time in my communities, and I used to do this too. I’m decluttering all the time and still feel so overwhelmed. What is going on?!

But listen, you can’t declutter your way to peace if the chaos is predominantly what’s inside of you.

Here’s what’s really happening:

When you’re dysregulated, your prefrontal cortex (logic) goes offline and your limbic system (emotion) takes over. You reach for something you can control — your environment — to compensate for the loss of internal control. It’s your body saying, “If I can’t calm my thoughts, maybe I can calm my space.”

And while a clean home can support peace, it can’t create it.

Until your nervous system resets, you’ll always find “one more thing” to fix.

Decluttering gives a temporary sense of order and relief, which is why it feels so satisfying in the moment—it’s your brain grasping at something tangible to regulate itself. Scientifically, it’s linked to the release of dopamine, which offers short-term calm but doesn’t address the root cause of dysregulation.

Biblically, this goes even deeper. We’re told in Proverbs 14:30 (ESV), “A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.” That “tranquil heart” isn’t achieved through external control but through inner peace—through the renewing of the mind.

Decluttering can be a healthy act of stewardship when done from a place of peace—but when driven by anxiety or self-soothing, it becomes a coping mechanism rather than true healing.

That’s exactly what we walk through inside my course—how to calm the inner storm so you no longer need to chase peace through outer control. Once your nervous system resets, the desire to constantly “fix” your environment fades, and homemaking becomes a natural expression of peace instead of a desperate attempt to create it.

But yes, with all of that, I do think it’s wise to simplify your surroundings so they reflect God’s order.

5. Not Cooling Down After Controlled Stress Like a Workout

You don’t stay stuck in survival mode because of stress — you stay there because you never tell your body it’s over.

When you finish a workout— and immediately jump back into life without taking a moment to cool down and tell your body the stress is over — you’re teaching your nervous system that the danger never ends.

You’re supposed to come back down after you’ve endured stress – even in a controlled environment like a workout.

I used to skip cool downs – and the story I told myself is I don’t have time. But both of those things were keeping me in survival mode 1. Skipping the cool down and 2. Telling myself I don’t have time.

When you workout you’re putting your body through what’s called “controlled stress.” Your heart rate rises, adrenaline flows, cortisol spikes — all of it on purpose. But if you don’t intentionally come back down, your body doesn’t know the stress is over. The same hormones that help you push through a hard workout or power through a task start working against you when they never get switched off. Physiologically, this is called “a failure to activate the parasympathetic response.”

The sympathetic nervous system (your “fight or flight mode”) mobilizes you for action.

The parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest and digest mode”) restores and heals.

When you skip cool-downs — whether that’s after exercise or emotional stress — your brain stays in protection mode. Your muscles stay tense, digestion slows, and your body keeps searching for threats that don’t exist.

So, now, I carve out time to do some stretching, to let my body come down from the stress. Sometimes that means I have to do a shorter workout if I genuinely am crunched for time, and sometimes it means I just need to cool down with my children with me. Either way, I carve out a minimum of 5 minutes for stretching, foam rolling and relaxing but usually about 20 minutes.

6. Listening to Podcasts or Sermons on 2x Speed

This one is sneaky because it feels spiritual. You’re learning. You’re growing.

But when you rush even your rest, your brain never learns to slow down enough to actually process the information. Just like avoiding a cool-down after a workout by telling yourself you don’t have time, you’re sending a message to your brain that you need to control even this form of entertainment, or spiritual edification.

Listening on 2x speed floods your prefrontal cortex with data — but it bypasses the deeper processing areas of your brain that create emotional change.

This keeps you in a state of “cognitive overactivation.” You’re taking in truth, but not giving your nervous system time to absorb it.

Slow, reflective intake activates the default mode network, the part of your brain responsible for intentionality, empathy, and hearing the voice of God.

So if even your spiritual food is rushed, you’re feeding the same stress circuit that you’re trying to heal.

Slowness isn’t wasted time —it’s actually the space where transformation takes root. It’s what allows your brain to move the information to action—so you’re not just hearing the content, but investing in it, digesting it, and finally bearing fruit from what you’ve heard.

And when you live in this incessantly hurried state, you start to notice how much you’re doing compared to others.

7. Scorekeeping

Scorekeeping is survival mode disguised as justice.

You start noticing who’s pulling their weight and who’s not. And usually, you’re the one doing everything in your mind and everyone else in the home isn’t doing enough.

Every time you tally what someone else hasn’t done, you release cortisol — the stress hormone tied to resentment and defensiveness.

It also activates the anterior cingulate cortex, which processes fairness and pain. That means every mental score you keep literally feels like being wronged again.

Your brain becomes addicted to self-righteousness because it releases small bursts of dopamine — the chemical of “being right.” The more you feed it, the more you reinforce anxiety and isolation.

Biblically, this habit is rooted in pride — the desire to be seen, validated, and “evened out.” But God’s kingdom doesn’t operate on fairness; it operates on grace.

Romans 12:18 says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”

That posture of scorekeeping poisons the atmosphere of your home.

When you lay it down — when you choose to serve as unto the Lord (Colossians 3:23) — your body relaxes.

8. Saying “Must Be Nice”

Those three little words are often the ugliest form of self-pity we speak out loud.

When you say “must be nice,” what your brain actually hears is, “I don’t have enough” or “I have it harder than that person” It’s similar to scorekeeping, with a pinch of comparison and a dash of
Resentful envy. It’s not gratitude. It’s not admiration. It’s sarcasm that’ll send you straight into survival mode.

Psychology of the Phrase

The “must be nice” mentality is what happens when comparison and exhaustion collide.

Your mind scans for imbalance — they have what I want; they’re resting while I’m working; they’re thriving while I’m holding it all together. They have a beautiful home while I live in an apartment.

Or, things like – well sure she cooks every meal from home, if I had a kitchen like that so would I. Or, well of course her marriage is thriving – her husband actually helps out – must. Be. nice.

In that moment, your brain is doing two things simultaneously:

Justifying your resentment (which feels protective), and

Avoiding conviction (which feels threatening).

The “must be nice” reflex gives a quick dopamine spike — the same chemical you get when you feel right or superior.

But right after that comes the cortisol crash.

Because deep down, your brain interprets that thought as threat.

It tells your nervous system: “There’s not enough peace, love, or blessing to go around — I’ve been left out.”

And when your brain believes there’s not enough, your heart starts living like it.

You brace yourself emotionally. You tighten your jaw, your shoulders.

You start scanning your environment for proof that life’s unfair — and, guess what – you’ll always find it.

If you believe life is unfair, your brain will subconsciously look for proof that it is.

If you believe you’re always the one doing more, you’ll start noticing every instance that supports that story and overlook anything that contradicts it.

It’s your brain’s attempt to protect you from cognitive dissonance — that uncomfortable feeling of holding two conflicting truths.

So, the more you say “must be nice,” the more your brain literally reshapes its neural pathways to reinforce scarcity as your truth.

Your perception becomes selective; you see lack everywhere because your mind has been trained to scan for it.

But this can work in reverse too.

When you intentionally speak gratitude, your brain begins building new neural connections that filter for goodness and abundance instead.

It’s called neuroplasticity — your mind’s God-designed ability to renew itself.

When you replace “must be nice” with “God’s been so kind to me,” and then look for examples of that in your life, you’re not ignoring reality — you’re retraining your brain to perceive it through the gratitude filter, instead of the grumbling one.

Romans 12:2 describes this exact process: “Be transformed by the renewal of your mind.”

That renewal isn’t just spiritual; it’s physiological.

Each time you choose gratitude over comparison, you’re literally rewiring your brain to expect peace instead of scarcity.

A Path Out of Survival Mode

I have so many tools for getting out of this mindset and other destructive patterns, inside my free workshop.

If this “must be nice” reflex, or any of the habits I mentioned in hit a little too close to home — if you find yourself constantly scanning for lack, tension, or unfairness — this workshop will walk you step-by-step through how to rewire those patterns using biblical truth and techniques that support the way God designed your brain.

You’ll learn how to quiet the stress response that keeps you stuck in survival mode and overstimulation, how to reset your nervous system completely, and how to finally actually renew your mind as we are called to do as Christians.

It’s completely free, and it’s the exact process that helped me go from chasing peace to actually living in it.

So if you’re ready to stop surviving and start thriving again — click the link below, and I’ll see you inside the workshop.

This is the exact process I still use to create a peaceful, joyful home — even in the chaos of raising little ones.

So if you feel stuck in survival mode, it’s not too late. You can feel calm, present, and in control again.

It’s always such a joy to have you here.