From Abandonment to Peace: My Story of Healing from Anxiety, Rage, and Spiritual Bondage

This story includes references to childhood trauma, abuse, and addiction. Everything I share is from a place of redemption and hope in Christ, but some parts may be difficult to read.

The Day I Was Found

At about one year old I was found on the streets of Seattle in a soggy diaper, abandoned by my drug-addicted mother—she was high in a nearby apartment, unaware that I was gone.

That should have been the end of my story.
But God had a different plan for me.

I’ve never shared this before on here – but today I’m opening the pages of a past that God has redeemed in my life.

If you’ve ever felt like your fear runs deeper than words can explain,
or your anxiety feels like a part of you that will never go away.
Or like your past is too dysfunctional for you to change.
Or like the person you’re trying to be sanctified into is too great a leap from who you currently are.

This story is for you.

The Wound Beneath the Surface

Fear and anxiety don’t always begin with a thought—so often they begin with a wound.

My biological mother was a heroin addict. She used while she was pregnant with me, used while I was a baby, and used up until the day she overdosed.

Her boyfriend even tried to convince her to kill me when I was a baby.
I was abused in every imaginable way.

Eventually, I was found crying alone in a soggy diaper, on the cold streets of Seattle. A stranger heard me, called the police, and later that night they found my mother high in one of the nearby apartments.

From there I was taken into foster care and there continued the abuse.
Finally, I was taken in by my now adoptive parents who are amazing.
I was rescued. I was one of the lucky ones.
But deep inside? I carried the bruises for years.

You can be safe but not actually healed.

For years I experienced crippling anxiety. Paralyzing fear for seemingly no reason. The gnawing ache of abandonment that I couldn’t explain.
And underneath it all, an anger that could move mountains.

Anxiety is not just a mental issue—it’s a spiritual one.
It’s the enemy’s whisper that you are alone, unsafe, unloved.

But the truth? We are not merely flesh—we are spiritual beings.

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and a sound mind. (2 Timothy 1:7)

The Enemy Trains, Not Just Torments

The enemy would have you think that you’re alone and have to sort through all your emotions all by yourself.
He doesn’t just torment—he trains.

Anxiety showed up for me in different ways. I had something called trichotillomania where I would pick all my eyelashes and eyebrows out.

I was obsessively clean.
I tried to control every aspect of my life down to the most granular details.

I used to have a job where I had to speak to hundreds of people at a time multiple times a week and to get through it, I picked up a drinking habit before my presentations. Not enough to get drunk, but just enough to take the edge off.

After leaving every conversation with anybody, I would replay it over and over in my head to be sure I didn’t say something wrong, or stupid.
I was always on edge ready to snap at the smallest inconvenience.
I had a complete inability to relax or shut off my brain and constantly sought stimulation. Relaxing just felt too risky and vulnerable for me.

And something interesting happened.
I became saved—born again. Made new in Christ!
And I thought to myself—I’m healed! No more anxiety!

But that’s not how the Lord worked in my life.

He could have.
He could’ve spoken one word, and the fear and anxiety would’ve vanished.
He could’ve healed me in a moment.

But instead—He chose the path of sanctification.
Not because He was withholding—but because He was teaching.

Because He loved me too much to just remove the symptoms.
He wanted to reshape me. Refine me. And Transform me.

Not just into someone who wasn’t anxious…
but into someone who was gentle, surrendered, and unshakably rooted in His peace.

He walked with me, gently and patiently, through a process that rewired not only my mind but my entire way of being.

He taught me how to walk with Him.
Moment by moment. Thought by thought.

And that is where the healing took place.

It started when I became a mother. And I became downright rageful.
So let me show you how anxiety became the seed of rage in my life, especially my motherhood… and how the Lord tore it out at the root.

The Hidden Link Between Anxiety and Anger

An anxious mother doesn’t always just wallow in silence—sometimes, she explodes.

I would scream at my children.
Not because I hated them…
I felt out of control. I tried everything—praying, hiding in the laundry room, journaling.
But nothing worked.

Did you know that anxiety fuels mom anger?
It’s the fear of losing control. The confusion of not knowing how to handle a sticky situation.

And the tormenting thoughts—“You’re failing. You’re ruining them. This is all on you.”

But Scripture tells us 365 times not to be afraid—one command for every single day.
That’s not coincidence—it’s God’s divine mercy.

You don’t just need coping tools.
You need actual freedom.

Freedom from the spiritual chains that keep you reacting instead of resting.

What Changed Everything

So you’re probably wondering how I found that freedom?
Because even though I was saved… I was still stuck.

What changed everything was when the Lord led me to something I had never heard anyone in the church talk about:
Regulating my nervous system through Christian brain rewiring—and this is exactly what I teach in my course now.

God didn’t just snap His fingers and erase every symptom of anxiety.

Instead, He gently led me into a daily process of surrender, of renewing my mind, and retraining my brain to live in peace—rather than panic.

I began learning how trauma wires our brains for fear…
and how Scripture invites us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds like it says in Romans 12:2.

And through consistent practice, prayer, and the power of the Holy Spirit,
my brain—the very place where fear had built its strongholds—began to change.

This is what became the catalyst for my healing.

Because for the first time, I wasn’t just coping with anxiety—I was letting God retrain my body, my thoughts, and my responses to live in truth.

God used the tools of nervous system regulation and biblical mind renewal to release a level of peace I didn’t even know was possible.

This is what I now teach inside my free workshop—because if He did it for me, He can do it for you too.

In it, I share the biblical brain rewiring practices that helped me get out of fight-or-flight mode, regulate my nervous system, and step into calm, confident motherhood.

The Power of Present Surrender

Peace isn’t found in controlling the future—it’s found in surrendering to the now.

So often, when we talk about “living in the present,” what we really mean is: “I’ve convinced myself the future is going to turn out okay, so I can relax right now.”

But that’s not true peace—that’s just an illusion.

That’s what C.S. Lewis captures so powerfully in The Screwtape Letters. He explains that it’s easy to mistake false hope for faith. We might feel calm, not because we’re truly grounded in Christ, but because we’re avoiding hard thoughts about the future by hoping it will all work out the way we want.

I know this firsthand. My anxiety didn’t go away just because I learned how to think positively or distract myself from worst-case scenarios.

The healing came when I stopped clinging to outcomes—and started praying for and surrendering to the Lord’s will.

Instead of asking God to guarantee a safe or easy future for me, I began asking Him for the grace to conquer whatever may come.

That’s when I truly started living in the present—not in denial or distraction, but in the now, where all duty, all grace, and all joy dwell.

That’s where healing happens.

Not when we’re promised that nothing hard will ever touch us—but when we know the Holy Spirit will sustain us in every moment.

God didn’t promise I wouldn’t face horror. I’ve faced the horrors of sin and destruction from the moment I was conceived.
But He does promise grace in each trial. And I’ve experienced His grace so profoundly too.

So when I learned to surrender, moment-by-moment, something miraculous happened.

I stopped justifying my anger. I laid it down.
I stopped rehearsing my trauma. I released it.
And I finally prayed—not just for outcomes—but for virtue.

“As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).

The Lord began to renew my mind.
I no longer rehearsed torment—I rehearsed truth.

This was not simply a self-help technique. It was repentance.
A laying down of the old nature, and a putting on of Christ.

And with every thought I surrendered and renewed to His truth, peace came in.

The Mindset Shift That Rewired Everything

You’re not a slave to your thoughts—you’re a steward of them.

The day I stopped saying, “This is just who I am,”
and started saying, “Lord, show me who You say I am,”
was the day everything changed.

Freedom came when I stopped defending my anxiety and fear,
and started submitting to the Lord and whatever He had for me.

Healing began when I stopped explaining my anger,
and started crucifying it.

This rewired my brain. My responses. My motherhood. My whole life.

Because when Christ sets you free, you are free indeed.

Ready to Be Free?

You don’t have to stay bound and tormented.
Jesus doesn’t just forgive sins—He breaks chains.

If you’re ready to be free—truly free—from anxiety, fear, and survival mode and you feel like you’d love a catalyst to get this going, then come join me in my free workshop where I walk with you through the very steps God used to bring me out of fear and into peace.

I pray this story spoke to your heart.